Decision making

Yesterday was one of those days.

It was not too bad, nothing was really wrong, it just felt hard. My weekend had been planned in advance and I was going away for the weekend with family and those close to me. I was looking forward to the weekend until I realised how tired I was, at which point I felt that I needed time out. But as soon as I arrived, I was swept off into the plans of the others who had arrived the day before. In hindsight I should have made a different decision and relaxed for a while, but I did not. I got up and went along with the others. They were only going out to swim and paddle board and have fun at the lake, but I did not feel up to it.

My mood started to go down hill at that point. Not dreadfully, but enough to disturb me enough to not enjoy the weekend as I could have. I got caught up in other wishes and activities and I did not listen to what I needed.

I made a choice that was not in my best interests. It seems to be a pattern for me lately. I do what feels easy, I get caught up in other peoples plans and do not take enough time to decide if that is the best thing for me.

It may be going out when I would be better staying at home. It may be going out for drinks when I would be happier watching a movie and having a hot chocolate. It may be staying at work longer than needed and then missing out on my evening run.

These decisions are not made with my best interests at heart. They are made because they are the easy option, a choice that avoids conflict with others, but that causes longer lasting conflict within myself.

I need to learn to make the right decisions for me. As difficult as it is, I am worth it.

On the edge

Today's meditation: standing at the edge of the ocean, a calm ocean, feeling the anticipation flow through my body like warm tingling electricity, on the verge of the future and whatever that may hold. It was neither scary or exciting. It was just what it was, without additional meaning attached to it. Something new was on the horizon, but there was no fear. I felt ready for whatever was going to happen.

Today at work I was faced with a lady, full of fear and anger and willing to take everything out on everyone she came into contact to. I was rattled, angry myself at her treatment of me and others, and wanting to challenge her and set her straight. A little  later I spoke to someone else about her and was surprised at the response: Don't let her suck you into her issues. She was right. I was letting her anger and fear flow into me, and the I was experiencing her reality, not mine. 

After this experience today I was worried that my meditation would be more stressful and full of fear like I experienced today. I was surprised at its calmness. Maybe I am more ready than ever to face what life throws at me, to feel all the feelings, experience the anticipation of what is in front of me, what my future holds.