Feeling Fear

Welcome Back me!

It’s been some time since I’ve blogged, life just happened to get in the way and took me in a different direction. But I am back and more focused than ever on what I want to achieve in different areas of my life.

For some time I have felt a little lost, I had dreams and goals that I just wasn’t reaching. Something was going wrong. That something was my brain. It was getting in the way of everything I was doing. I’d go for a run and suddenly my thoughts would say “You can’t do this! What makes you think you can?”

And I would give up.

It wasn’t just my running that was affected. It was any goal that I strove for. I wanted to start my own business but my head got in the way before I even started.  I went back to full time work, not because I wanted to, but it felt safe and secure. Rather than taking the chance and putting myself out there, my mind got in the way and I gave up on that goal, too.

I have been doing a lot of reading and meditating and inner soul searching in the last few weeks. Life sent me a curve ball and I am back at home for at least the next five months so I have had time to take a look at my life again. In one guided meditation I was doing the subject of fear came up. It simply jumped into my mind, seemingly from out of nowhere, and I realized that fear has had an enormous role in how I have lived for a very long time. Like my running, I give up on things out of fear. Fear of failure, fear of what people will think, fear of any number of things. It has had a huge effect on me.

But a few days later, I found a concept that I had heard about before, the concept that you are not your thoughts or your feelings. You are the watcher of your thoughts and feelings, they are not you. So while I may be scared of a variety of things in life, it does not make me “scared”. I am just feeling scared. The fear is just a feeling.

Soon after, I received a phone call that pushed all my buttons and I was left feeling anxious and full of fear. However, I was able to identify that I felt scared and anxious, but those feelings were not me. Rachel was still there, calm and together, the fear and anxiety were there for me to look at, to watch, to observe in an unattached way. It was like I was actually watching my thoughts and feelings circle in my mind, but they were not me. I was ok.

Since this realization, I feel like a weight has lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to be a slave to my thoughts and feelings. They are not me. I don’t have to act on my fear anymore, and this opens up a world of possibilities for me.

Give it a go and see if it works for you, too.

Rachel x

Life is perfect

According to a personal coach that I follow on Facebook, everything is perfect the way it is. Life and its chaos, my life and the turbulence I put up with, the trouble I cause myself, the emotive reactions I have that cause me further trouble, is all apparently perfect too.

Sounds impossible. But I thought it might be worth exploring. Its seems like the world is actually showing you what you need to see, telling you what you need to hear, and it is all there right now, perfect in its wholeness. If this is the case, I really should explore the troubles I am having and the patterns that my life seems to take on a regular basis.

I have started a new job just three months ago and I am exhausted. Prior to this I was working in the family business and working about 12 hours a week, if that. I was cruising and generally being lazy. My choices were based on ease, not on my goals and plans. I was getting fatter, sleeping too much, and feeling worse about myself as the days went on. I was lost, feeling like I was wasting away and everything that I had worked so hard for. I was wasting my time, I was failing at my dreams of starting my own business, all because I did not have the confidence to get out there and give it a crack. It sounds like I totally dropped the ball, but it was not like that. I was really trying to stick to my plans and I kept making goals, but I also kept giving up and making bad choices, getting back on track and repeating the same bad choices. I was on a merry-go round, and slowly spiraling down hill. Three and a half years later I realize now how far I have fallen, and I am unsure how I can climb back up the ladder.

I have just finished my probationary period, so I am slightly relieved, but still struggling with a few issues from my upper management. It seems to be expected that I work 10-hour days, which is impossible as a single mother of two teenagers, but I actually don’t believe in working overtime on a regular basis. I need to hone my assertive skills and it feels difficult and scary. I need to be very organized and I am struggling immensely to feel on top of things. I feel like I put in a lot of work for not a lot of outcome. I feel frustrated with others incapacity to do what they are supposed to do. I feel that people say they are doing things, but are not actually following through with them, making excuse after excuse.

So now, I am not only feeling the pressure of my work and extended hours, but the also the pressure to reverse the effects from my previous choices. It feels like a double-whammy. And because this is not enough, my son is also struggling through his last year of school and I am extremely worried about him every day, hoping for the best but fearing the worst, and my life seems to be on hold just to help him make it through the year.

So how is all this perfect?

The Perfect Event	The Perfect Lesson
Working new long hours	It has shown me that a hard work is rewarding, not easy, but more rewarding than being slack.
Failing at starting my own business	I realize that success needs belief in myself, and I realize that I need to change my outlook to be successful in the future
Making bad choices	This has shown me that consistent good choices are needed for success. Consistency is paramount, not the stop/start method that helped me spiral downwards.
Expected to work long hours	Learning to stand up for my beliefs, but to also ensure I am putting in the efforts to show that this situation is not necessary.
Needing to be organized	Teaching me that an organized strategy is needed, not simply a hit and miss approach
Feeling frustrated by others	Shows me how my issues affect those around me, not following through with what I say or plan to do must be very frustrating for others.
Putting in a lot of work for little outcome	Sometimes things do not immediately yield results, but this is no reason to give up. It is more reason to push through and come out the other side.
Dealing with others peoples excuses	Excuses do not change the fact that the job has not been done.
Having to manage my son’s issues while I struggle with my own.	Life throws curve balls. There is never the perfect time to reach for your goals. You can only control the effort you put in, not what else life throws at you at the time. Family comes first.

Now I can see how perfect my current situation actually is. These are lessons that I have been shown. Life is being very clear by showing me what I need to do.

Perfect!

Choosing Self-sabotage

I truly believe that when you are ready to listen, things present themselves that speak to you. Like accidentally finding the perfect blog post or tweet that it exactly what you needed to read. this has happened to me twice in the last week.

Firstly, I came across a Michelle Bridges 12wbt video this evening about self-sabotage. It started me thinking about the journey I am taking, and the difficulties I am having. Lately I have been putting only fifty percent effort into my health and running. I have been tired and only fitting in one or two exercise sessions per week and eating well during the day and struggling in the evenings. My intentions have been in the right place, but my actions are telling a different story.

I am making excuses. I am sabotaging my success.

Secondly, I am a regular follower of Gisele Gambi's Personal Coaching Facebook page. Her words of wisdom always resonate with me. She is an insightful and spiritual person and she has the ability to get to the deep core of an issue with such ease and love.

Gisele talks a lot about choice, and being aware of what you are choosing. When things do not go to plan, have you actually been choosing what you thought you were choosing, or was it something else entirely? While on one level I believe that I want to run and have my running goals planned out, I do not believe I am choosing to succeed in my running.

Whenever I attempt to work my way towards a goal, something always happens to ensure that I almost don't make it. Whatever the goal is, or was, I can find struggle, crisis after crisis, or simply getting behind in my work or plan, finding small reasons to halt my progress until it is almost too late.

I am choosing to struggle. I am choosing to fail. All my choices, whether food or exercise related are largely aimed at giving me an excuse not to be successful. I ate too much last night so there is no point going for a run.I know what I should do, I know what I wan tot do, so why don't I do it?

Having a honest and hard look at myself, I came to the conclusion that I don't believe that I can succeed.

And when you don't believe that you can, you go a long way to ensure that you won't.

The video and the posts I have read this week have given me an insight into what I have been doing. Maybe I was just ready to listen, but I now know that I need to re-examine my beliefs about myself and get them in line with my goals. I don't yet know how, but I know a shift is needed.

Decision making

Yesterday was one of those days.

It was not too bad, nothing was really wrong, it just felt hard. My weekend had been planned in advance and I was going away for the weekend with family and those close to me. I was looking forward to the weekend until I realised how tired I was, at which point I felt that I needed time out. But as soon as I arrived, I was swept off into the plans of the others who had arrived the day before. In hindsight I should have made a different decision and relaxed for a while, but I did not. I got up and went along with the others. They were only going out to swim and paddle board and have fun at the lake, but I did not feel up to it.

My mood started to go down hill at that point. Not dreadfully, but enough to disturb me enough to not enjoy the weekend as I could have. I got caught up in other wishes and activities and I did not listen to what I needed.

I made a choice that was not in my best interests. It seems to be a pattern for me lately. I do what feels easy, I get caught up in other peoples plans and do not take enough time to decide if that is the best thing for me.

It may be going out when I would be better staying at home. It may be going out for drinks when I would be happier watching a movie and having a hot chocolate. It may be staying at work longer than needed and then missing out on my evening run.

These decisions are not made with my best interests at heart. They are made because they are the easy option, a choice that avoids conflict with others, but that causes longer lasting conflict within myself.

I need to learn to make the right decisions for me. As difficult as it is, I am worth it.

On the edge

Today's meditation: standing at the edge of the ocean, a calm ocean, feeling the anticipation flow through my body like warm tingling electricity, on the verge of the future and whatever that may hold. It was neither scary or exciting. It was just what it was, without additional meaning attached to it. Something new was on the horizon, but there was no fear. I felt ready for whatever was going to happen.

Today at work I was faced with a lady, full of fear and anger and willing to take everything out on everyone she came into contact to. I was rattled, angry myself at her treatment of me and others, and wanting to challenge her and set her straight. A little  later I spoke to someone else about her and was surprised at the response: Don't let her suck you into her issues. She was right. I was letting her anger and fear flow into me, and the I was experiencing her reality, not mine. 

After this experience today I was worried that my meditation would be more stressful and full of fear like I experienced today. I was surprised at its calmness. Maybe I am more ready than ever to face what life throws at me, to feel all the feelings, experience the anticipation of what is in front of me, what my future holds.